What am I supposed to do now? It isn't as easy as trying to keep myself busy or not contacting him or even drinking the pain away. I can't handle this. He was my closest friend and knew me better than anyone. I'm not at school anymore, which helps the whole not having to run into him, but it also complicates things since I don't have my friends around me all the time to help. And don't get me wrong, I appreciate my girlfriends and my family. But I want my boyfriend back, not just as my boyfriend, but also as my friend. The vast majority of my "support system" have more important things to do than help me occupy myself. And I understand that. I just wish they would help me and comfort me like I've had to do for most of them. Sit with me while I cry and tell me it's okay. Have a positive attitude that maybe he'll come to senses and realize he made a mistake.
And now it's looking like he really is ignoring me. Not avoiding, ignoring. And he told me just yesterday that he would never do that. Well what the hell is this. I even apologized for bugging him (and he's probably getting sick of that) and still haven't heard anything back. I'm not mad at him (though I could/ probably should be--using me to move in and then deciding we needed a break), just hurt. And it hurts even more to be lied to and told that he still wants to be my friend and talk to me about things I'm going through...just not this. Did someone talk to him between today and last night and tell him that it's better to outright ignore me? And why do I have to play by these rules? Why do I have to be punished because he can't handle seeing me or talking about anything important? I'm not asking to go out on a date with him, just not to be completely cut off from him all of a sudden. We spent the majority of our time together before this happened. Maybe he's doing fine, but I can't just go cold turkey.
I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to wallow on the couch in hopes that he'll call me or something and take it all back. That's what I want. I want him to go see his counselor and have her tell him he made the wrong choice, that it was stupid and rash, and that he should grovel and ask me back. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not happy. There have been so many times this week where I just wanted to run my car off the road or to get hit while crossing the street. Not to die, just to get his attention. That's pathetic and I hate that I'm not strong enough to deal with this like a normal person. How is this easier for him? Was I really that stressful and high-maintenance?
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Just want some sweet potato fries, some wine, and a good cry
Warning: this post will involve ranting, a little self-pity, and a splash of depression.
I'm having a hard week. Like, not the kind of hard week that's really busy and you're just looking forward to the weekend. No, this is more like the "what the hell am I doing with my life?"/ "why can't I do anything right and why don't I know it wasn't right until it was too late to change it?" kind of week. My stomach's in knots right now, and I really really REALLY want an adult beverage right now (a bottle of wine would be a great start).
I had a panic attack right before I walked out the door to go teach my special needs outreach class Tuesday. Do I know why? Not really. All I knew was that 1) I didn't want to go because I'm not a fan of how this place is run 2) I was depressed and 3) there's a lot of personal stuff going on in the house right now. Luckily, my boyfriend took pity on me and drove with me there despite the heat and the fact that he had only a book to keep him company for 2 and a half hours. It was really sweet of him. But even after I'd calmed down and done the sessions, I couldn't seem to shake the fog I was in and probably bugged the snot out of him all the way home, asking if I'd upset him. (I'm still not convinced that I hadn't.)
I thought things were going better...until I got home (out of a torrential downpour--not really fun ever but even less so when you have no a/c). I had an email waiting for me from my boss. Apparently one of the parents thought I'd been very rude to her when she came to pick up her daughter yesterday. If I hadn't apologized to this woman yesterday for my mistake (she owed money for aftercare and I'd told her twice since I didn't think she'd heard me the first time), I'd completely understand. But this woman didn't seem to remember that or was still pissed or something and emailed my boss (who's a good friend of hers), who then emailed me to chew me out. I would NEVER intentionally be rude to a parent: I wasn't raised that way, I wasn't trained that way, and I wouldn't do anything that would put my job in jeopardy. I think what bothers me the most is that this isn't the first time my boss has chewed me out and it scares me that she'll fire me or not give me a recommendation or something to that effect. The logical part of me says that there's no way she's going to fire me in the middle of the summer, especially because I am good with the kids and I take pride in my work. But the other part, the part that likes to sneak up on me and take over, says that she has every right to fire me or screw me over in the future.
I hate confrontation and I hate double standards (as far as I know, my co-worker's been guilty of the same thing I'd gotten in trouble over previously, but was only reprimanded via a note rather than being asked to come in early to get scolded like I had). I love my job, don't get me wrong. But this isn't a career for me and I know that it more than likely won't turn into something other than more camp experience to put on my resume. Which brings me to my other concern....
I have no idea what I'm doing once the summer's over. I know I'll be going back to Tennessee...and that's about it. I won't be in grad school like the rest of my friends will be. I get to face the real world with skills that aren't necessarily the most marketable, student loans that need paying off, out of work parents (so no insurance or financial security blanket), and no concrete/ confirmed idea of what I'm doing with the rest of my life. As much as I hate saying it, I wouldn't be bothered in the least if I was a stay-at-home mom. Really. If my husband and I could afford it, I would just raise our child(ren) and be happy. Sure I'd still do art and theatre, but the pressure to make money at it wouldn't be there. Unfortunately, my boyfriend still has a good 3-5 years of school left (not to mention establishing himself in his job), so marriage is a long way away for me. Not to mention having kids. So there's that.
I've been praying about it a lot (and that my parents will find jobs again), but I still don't have a good idea of what I should be doing. I've never not had a plan. I'm in unfamiliar territory and it scares the crap out of me.
I'm having a hard week. Like, not the kind of hard week that's really busy and you're just looking forward to the weekend. No, this is more like the "what the hell am I doing with my life?"/ "why can't I do anything right and why don't I know it wasn't right until it was too late to change it?" kind of week. My stomach's in knots right now, and I really really REALLY want an adult beverage right now (a bottle of wine would be a great start).
I had a panic attack right before I walked out the door to go teach my special needs outreach class Tuesday. Do I know why? Not really. All I knew was that 1) I didn't want to go because I'm not a fan of how this place is run 2) I was depressed and 3) there's a lot of personal stuff going on in the house right now. Luckily, my boyfriend took pity on me and drove with me there despite the heat and the fact that he had only a book to keep him company for 2 and a half hours. It was really sweet of him. But even after I'd calmed down and done the sessions, I couldn't seem to shake the fog I was in and probably bugged the snot out of him all the way home, asking if I'd upset him. (I'm still not convinced that I hadn't.)
I thought things were going better...until I got home (out of a torrential downpour--not really fun ever but even less so when you have no a/c). I had an email waiting for me from my boss. Apparently one of the parents thought I'd been very rude to her when she came to pick up her daughter yesterday. If I hadn't apologized to this woman yesterday for my mistake (she owed money for aftercare and I'd told her twice since I didn't think she'd heard me the first time), I'd completely understand. But this woman didn't seem to remember that or was still pissed or something and emailed my boss (who's a good friend of hers), who then emailed me to chew me out. I would NEVER intentionally be rude to a parent: I wasn't raised that way, I wasn't trained that way, and I wouldn't do anything that would put my job in jeopardy. I think what bothers me the most is that this isn't the first time my boss has chewed me out and it scares me that she'll fire me or not give me a recommendation or something to that effect. The logical part of me says that there's no way she's going to fire me in the middle of the summer, especially because I am good with the kids and I take pride in my work. But the other part, the part that likes to sneak up on me and take over, says that she has every right to fire me or screw me over in the future.
I hate confrontation and I hate double standards (as far as I know, my co-worker's been guilty of the same thing I'd gotten in trouble over previously, but was only reprimanded via a note rather than being asked to come in early to get scolded like I had). I love my job, don't get me wrong. But this isn't a career for me and I know that it more than likely won't turn into something other than more camp experience to put on my resume. Which brings me to my other concern....
I have no idea what I'm doing once the summer's over. I know I'll be going back to Tennessee...and that's about it. I won't be in grad school like the rest of my friends will be. I get to face the real world with skills that aren't necessarily the most marketable, student loans that need paying off, out of work parents (so no insurance or financial security blanket), and no concrete/ confirmed idea of what I'm doing with the rest of my life. As much as I hate saying it, I wouldn't be bothered in the least if I was a stay-at-home mom. Really. If my husband and I could afford it, I would just raise our child(ren) and be happy. Sure I'd still do art and theatre, but the pressure to make money at it wouldn't be there. Unfortunately, my boyfriend still has a good 3-5 years of school left (not to mention establishing himself in his job), so marriage is a long way away for me. Not to mention having kids. So there's that.
I've been praying about it a lot (and that my parents will find jobs again), but I still don't have a good idea of what I should be doing. I've never not had a plan. I'm in unfamiliar territory and it scares the crap out of me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)