Warning: this post will involve ranting, a little self-pity, and a splash of depression.
I'm having a hard week. Like, not the kind of hard week that's really busy and you're just looking forward to the weekend. No, this is more like the "what the hell am I doing with my life?"/ "why can't I do anything right and why don't I know it wasn't right until it was too late to change it?" kind of week. My stomach's in knots right now, and I really really REALLY want an adult beverage right now (a bottle of wine would be a great start).
I had a panic attack right before I walked out the door to go teach my special needs outreach class Tuesday. Do I know why? Not really. All I knew was that 1) I didn't want to go because I'm not a fan of how this place is run 2) I was depressed and 3) there's a lot of personal stuff going on in the house right now. Luckily, my boyfriend took pity on me and drove with me there despite the heat and the fact that he had only a book to keep him company for 2 and a half hours. It was really sweet of him. But even after I'd calmed down and done the sessions, I couldn't seem to shake the fog I was in and probably bugged the snot out of him all the way home, asking if I'd upset him. (I'm still not convinced that I hadn't.)
I thought things were going better...until I got home (out of a torrential downpour--not really fun ever but even less so when you have no a/c). I had an email waiting for me from my boss. Apparently one of the parents thought I'd been very rude to her when she came to pick up her daughter yesterday. If I hadn't apologized to this woman yesterday for my mistake (she owed money for aftercare and I'd told her twice since I didn't think she'd heard me the first time), I'd completely understand. But this woman didn't seem to remember that or was still pissed or something and emailed my boss (who's a good friend of hers), who then emailed me to chew me out. I would NEVER intentionally be rude to a parent: I wasn't raised that way, I wasn't trained that way, and I wouldn't do anything that would put my job in jeopardy. I think what bothers me the most is that this isn't the first time my boss has chewed me out and it scares me that she'll fire me or not give me a recommendation or something to that effect. The logical part of me says that there's no way she's going to fire me in the middle of the summer, especially because I am good with the kids and I take pride in my work. But the other part, the part that likes to sneak up on me and take over, says that she has every right to fire me or screw me over in the future.
I hate confrontation and I hate double standards (as far as I know, my co-worker's been guilty of the same thing I'd gotten in trouble over previously, but was only reprimanded via a note rather than being asked to come in early to get scolded like I had). I love my job, don't get me wrong. But this isn't a career for me and I know that it more than likely won't turn into something other than more camp experience to put on my resume. Which brings me to my other concern....
I have no idea what I'm doing once the summer's over. I know I'll be going back to Tennessee...and that's about it. I won't be in grad school like the rest of my friends will be. I get to face the real world with skills that aren't necessarily the most marketable, student loans that need paying off, out of work parents (so no insurance or financial security blanket), and no concrete/ confirmed idea of what I'm doing with the rest of my life. As much as I hate saying it, I wouldn't be bothered in the least if I was a stay-at-home mom. Really. If my husband and I could afford it, I would just raise our child(ren) and be happy. Sure I'd still do art and theatre, but the pressure to make money at it wouldn't be there. Unfortunately, my boyfriend still has a good 3-5 years of school left (not to mention establishing himself in his job), so marriage is a long way away for me. Not to mention having kids. So there's that.
I've been praying about it a lot (and that my parents will find jobs again), but I still don't have a good idea of what I should be doing. I've never not had a plan. I'm in unfamiliar territory and it scares the crap out of me.
