Out of the ashes

Not that anyone reads this, but I have nothing better to do at work right now so I thought an update would be nice. :)

So much has happened in the last few months that it hardly seems real. I've been stretched and tested... and I'm still here and better for it. Granted, this isn't the journey I'd planned on embarking on, but life doesn't always pay attention to our plans. I'll be moving to New York in the fall for grad school. I'll admit that I'm still a little scared and a bit nervous to go, but it's normal. I mean, when am I ever going to have the chance to do this again? When will I ever be able to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade live and in person? I can't wait to see what awaits me.

I'm finally healing and am actually grateful for all the crap that has happened these past several months. Without the pain and tears, I wouldn't be able to appreciate all these opportunities and I probably wouldn't be as willing to take such a huge leap of faith.

Do I still wish things would get less tense? Of course I do, but I've also realized that I can't change other people. I've done all that I could and I have to be patient. I still believe that we could be friends again sometime down the road. And I want that, I really do. But I'm not going to keep waiting around for him to grow up and mature enough to see that his actions aren't helping anyone, him in particular.

I have a date coming up, and I can't wait. While I don't think a lasting relationship will happen with this guy, I don't know that it won't.

Still Can't Get up the Courage to Call You "Ex"

What am I supposed to do now? It isn't as easy as trying to keep myself busy or not contacting him or even drinking the pain away. I can't handle this. He was my closest friend and knew me better than anyone. I'm not at school anymore, which helps the whole not having to run into him, but it also complicates things since I don't have my friends around me all the time to help. And don't get me wrong, I appreciate my girlfriends and my family. But I want my boyfriend back, not just as my boyfriend, but also as my friend. The vast majority of my "support system" have more important things to do than help me occupy myself. And I understand that. I just wish they would help me and comfort me like I've had to do for most of them. Sit with me while I cry and tell me it's okay. Have a positive attitude that maybe he'll come to senses and realize he made a mistake.
And now it's looking like he really is ignoring me. Not avoiding, ignoring. And he told me just yesterday that he would never do that. Well what the hell is this. I even apologized for bugging him (and he's probably getting sick of that) and still haven't heard anything back. I'm not mad at him (though I could/ probably should be--using me to move in and then deciding we needed a break), just hurt. And it hurts even more to be lied to and told that he still wants to be my friend and talk to me about things I'm going through...just not this. Did someone talk to him between today and last night and tell him that it's better to outright ignore me? And why do I have to play by these rules? Why do I have to be punished because he can't handle seeing me or talking about anything important? I'm not asking to go out on a date with him, just not to be completely cut off from him all of a sudden. We spent the majority of our time together before this happened. Maybe he's doing fine, but I can't just go cold turkey.
I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to wallow on the couch in hopes that he'll call me or something and take it all back. That's what I want. I want him to go see his counselor and have her tell him he made the wrong choice, that it was stupid and rash, and that he should grovel and ask me back. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not happy. There have been so many times this week where I just wanted to run my car off the road or to get hit while crossing the street. Not to die, just to get his attention. That's pathetic and I hate that I'm not strong enough to deal with this like a normal person. How is this easier for him? Was I really that stressful and high-maintenance?

Just want some sweet potato fries, some wine, and a good cry

Warning: this post will involve ranting, a little self-pity, and a splash of depression.

I'm having a hard week. Like, not the kind of hard week that's really busy and you're just looking forward to the weekend. No, this is more like the "what the hell am I doing with my life?"/ "why can't I do anything right and why don't I know it wasn't right until it was too late to change it?" kind of week. My stomach's in knots right now, and I really really REALLY want an adult beverage right now (a bottle of wine would be a great start).

I had a panic attack right before I walked out the door to go teach my special needs outreach class Tuesday. Do I know why? Not really. All I knew was that 1) I didn't want to go because I'm not a fan of how this place is run 2) I was depressed and 3) there's a lot of personal stuff going on in the house right now. Luckily, my boyfriend took pity on me and drove with me there despite the heat and the fact that he had only a book to keep him company for 2 and a half hours. It was really sweet of him. But even after I'd calmed down and done the sessions, I couldn't seem to shake the fog I was in and probably bugged the snot out of him all the way home, asking if I'd upset him. (I'm still not convinced that I hadn't.)

I thought things were going better...until I got home (out of a torrential downpour--not really fun ever but even less so when you have no a/c). I had an email waiting for me from my boss. Apparently one of the parents thought I'd been very rude to her when she came to pick up her daughter yesterday. If I hadn't apologized to this woman yesterday for my mistake (she owed money for aftercare and I'd told her twice since I didn't think she'd heard me the first time), I'd completely understand. But this woman didn't seem to remember that or was still pissed or something and emailed my boss (who's a good friend of hers), who then emailed me to chew me out. I would NEVER intentionally be rude to a parent: I wasn't raised that way, I wasn't trained that way, and I wouldn't do anything that would put my job in jeopardy. I think what bothers me the most is that this isn't the first time my boss has chewed me out and it scares me that she'll fire me or not give me a recommendation or something to that effect. The logical part of me says that there's no way she's going to fire me in the middle of the summer, especially because I am good with the kids and I take pride in my work. But the other part, the part that likes to sneak up on me and take over, says that she has every right to fire me or screw me over in the future.
I hate confrontation and I hate double standards (as far as I know, my co-worker's been guilty of the same thing I'd gotten in trouble over previously, but was only reprimanded via a note rather than being asked to come in early to get scolded like I had). I love my job, don't get me wrong. But this isn't a career for me and I know that it more than likely won't turn into something other than more camp experience to put on my resume. Which brings me to my other concern....

I have no idea what I'm doing once the summer's over. I know I'll be going back to Tennessee...and that's about it. I won't be in grad school like the rest of my friends will be. I get to face the real world with skills that aren't necessarily the most marketable, student loans that need paying off, out of work parents (so no insurance or financial security blanket), and no concrete/ confirmed idea of what I'm doing with the rest of my life. As much as I hate saying it, I wouldn't be bothered in the least if I was a stay-at-home mom. Really. If my husband and I could afford it, I would just raise our child(ren) and be happy. Sure I'd still do art and theatre, but the pressure to make money at it wouldn't be there. Unfortunately, my boyfriend still has a good 3-5 years of school left (not to mention establishing himself in his job), so marriage is a long way away for me. Not to mention having kids. So there's that.
I've been praying about it a lot (and that my parents will find jobs again), but I still don't have a good idea of what I should be doing. I've never not had a plan. I'm in unfamiliar territory and it scares the crap out of me.

The Slight Rantings of a 5th Year Senior

School has started, and I already need a break. From homework, yes, but mostly from life and the fact that I don't have one when I come back here. I'm frustrated, really, really frustrated. The way the semester's going, I may end up having a mental breakdown or two, simply because of the workload I have now and the fact that half of my friends don't want to allow me to have my own life now.
I got one of the leads in the first show. I'm psyched and absolutely terrified at the same time. This is a great opportunity and the biggest part I've ever had. Ever. I'm worried that the director is regretting her decision to cast me. Granted, of the girls called back, I was the only one who looked the part, but still: I want to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do this and deserved to be cast. Rehearsals wear me out every night, and there have been times when I thought it would be easier to get hit by a passing vehicle and injure myself just enough that I would have to be replaced. But then I realize that's stupid and I really wanted this part. And I still do. I'm just really freaking out. I don't want to embarrass myself or my castmates.
Along with the play (and my 15 credit hours), it's also looking like I'll have to co-SM the next show. This is the part where I want to jump out of my 14th floor window. Seriously. I can't handle it, mentally or physically. As much fun as the play is, I was really looking forward to being able to finally relax just a bit--get caught up on my work, get more than 5 hours of sleep, that sort of thing. As of right now, there's no way that'll happen. I don't know what it is about this semester, but I'm stressed all the time. Thank God for my boyfriend and roommate to keep me even semi-sane. (I'm so so lucky to have them. Seriously.) Do I spend a little too much time with my significant other? Maybe. Yes, we're still in "the honeymoon" period, but there's more to it: I don't want to spend a lot of time in my place of residence because I don't want to deal with all the drama there. (My poor roommate is stuck dealing with it by herself, which I hate for her. I'm trying to figure out a way for this not to happen....to either of us.)
I'm trying to stand my ground for once and be a little selfish. I've sacrificed parts of my happiness and sanity for so long that a little voice in my head has told me I've earned getting to be a little selfish and do what I want with my time. I don't think this makes me a bad person or a bad friend. I love all of my group, but I'm also getting to the place where I can't handle a lot of them in large doses anymore. I just can't. I also realized this summer that there are several individuals in my group of friends who I love but I don't actually like. That sounds awful and it is, but I've wondered that if we didn't have to spend so much time together, et cetera, would we actually be friends?
Maybe I just need some sleep to get a new perspective on things. I don't know. All I know is that I have no idea how I'm going to get some of these things done. Trust me: I'll be praying. I just don't understand how all of this will come about.

Battle of the Interweb Exercises

I'm a fat kid. It's a plain and simple fact. I don't have a problem with it, other than the normal ones: guys don't like fat chick even if they themselves are chunky, finding fat clothes period is difficult anyway but finding them when you're 5'2" is almost impossible, having skinny friends who can eat anything sucks. I've been keeping a sort of food diary off and on on livestrong.com since last summer. It's a decent help since it's great to see the caloric intake of what I've eaten, but it's also a pain to see that by the end of the day, I've usually blown my goal or that I can't find what I've eaten or what exercise I've done.

So I just joined shape.com today, which I thought would be better suited to my needs since it's designed for women and actually provides personalized plans and exercises. Now here's the weird thing: these two different websites disagree on a few but important details, like my BMI (about 9 points higher according to Shape). The other strange thing is that I can't figure out how to log my hula hooping exercises. Now, I've been told by several people (some of whom whose views on fitness I respect, most I do not) that hula hooping isn't real exercise. However, this month's issue of Shape actually printed Marissa Tomei's normal workout that consists *gasp* of nothing but the hula hoop. It's actually a pretty decent workout from what I've done, and I don't think she even uses a weighted hoop. You'd think that since Shape printed this as a legitimate exercise routine, that I would be able to find it and log it. Nope. Unless there's a more scientific way to search "hula hooping," something's amiss.

I also started researching the best running shoes for women since, as my last blog stated, I plan on starting to run a few times a week. Holy crap are they expensive. I mean, I know that I can't afford to buy them right now anyway, but 1) I'm cheap and 2) it's very difficult for me to buy shoes that expensive when I have such oddly-sized feet and prefer to be barefoot since I know that won't make me hurt.

Maybe I just need classes to start again and start making money. I have way too much free time on my hands right now, and I hate it. Mostly I need money so I can keep myself busy/ exercising. I'm broke as a joke right now. Crap.

Goals for Fall Semester

I'm one of those weird people who like to have checklists. A lot of them. I have lists of things I allow myself to eat versus things I have to fight against my desire to nom (obviously, you can tell which list wins out 9 times out of 10), assignments and projects for the week, even restaurants I want to try (I can FINALLY, after 4 and a half years, check Fido off that list).
A couple of my girlfriends and I made a Summer 2010 bucket list, and, well, sadly we've pretty much failed at doing most of the things on the list. So, I've decided I won't let this coming fall have the same fate, especially since most of my usual goals have to do with foods/ restaurants to experience, movies to watch, or books to read. (No. I have no intention to ever read the Harry Potter series or Twilight saga. So give up on it already.)

Goals for Fall Semester 2010

• Do real renderings for my Aladdin project
• Lose 10+ pounds. (1/2 a pound per week. 2 pounds per month. About 4 months in fall semester. I can do it.)
• Find some cute jammies/ nightgowns/ lingerie. Because I want to feel like a girl.
• Get my eyebrows waxed. I've never had them waxed, simply because I hate things in my face and hot wax just makes me nervous.
  
• Figure out some way to eat at either Flemings or Ruth's Chris. (This is when obtaining a semi-wealthy boyfriend would come in handy.)
• Start and finish a sweater.
• Go running at least 3 times a week.
• Find some good sports bras and running shoes so above-mentioned goal can actually be met.
• Go to an audition where I have to sing.
  
• Find a great guy for my roommate. She deserves someone wonderful who will treat her like she deserves.
• Learn how to crochet again.
• Watch every episode of Man vs. Food.
• Read to at least the 3rd book in the Outlander series.
• Have a guy buy me a drink and/ or ask for my number.
• Stand up for myself.

I'm sure I'll add to this later.

P.S. Adam was just 3 ounces away from winning the "Great Steak Challenge" at Steak and Main in Baltimore. I WILL find a way to see him in person one day. Oh. I will.