School has started, and I already need a break. From homework, yes, but mostly from life and the fact that I don't have one when I come back here. I'm frustrated, really, really frustrated. The way the semester's going, I may end up having a mental breakdown or two, simply because of the workload I have now and the fact that half of my friends don't want to allow me to have my own life now.
I got one of the leads in the first show. I'm psyched and absolutely terrified at the same time. This is a great opportunity and the biggest part I've ever had. Ever. I'm worried that the director is regretting her decision to cast me. Granted, of the girls called back, I was the only one who looked the part, but still: I want to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do this and deserved to be cast. Rehearsals wear me out every night, and there have been times when I thought it would be easier to get hit by a passing vehicle and injure myself just enough that I would have to be replaced. But then I realize that's stupid and I really wanted this part. And I still do. I'm just really freaking out. I don't want to embarrass myself or my castmates.
Along with the play (and my 15 credit hours), it's also looking like I'll have to co-SM the next show. This is the part where I want to jump out of my 14th floor window. Seriously. I can't handle it, mentally or physically. As much fun as the play is, I was really looking forward to being able to finally relax just a bit--get caught up on my work, get more than 5 hours of sleep, that sort of thing. As of right now, there's no way that'll happen. I don't know what it is about this semester, but I'm stressed all the time. Thank God for my boyfriend and roommate to keep me even semi-sane. (I'm so so lucky to have them. Seriously.) Do I spend a little too much time with my significant other? Maybe. Yes, we're still in "the honeymoon" period, but there's more to it: I don't want to spend a lot of time in my place of residence because I don't want to deal with all the drama there. (My poor roommate is stuck dealing with it by herself, which I hate for her. I'm trying to figure out a way for this not to happen....to either of us.)
I'm trying to stand my ground for once and be a little selfish. I've sacrificed parts of my happiness and sanity for so long that a little voice in my head has told me I've earned getting to be a little selfish and do what I want with my time. I don't think this makes me a bad person or a bad friend. I love all of my group, but I'm also getting to the place where I can't handle a lot of them in large doses anymore. I just can't. I also realized this summer that there are several individuals in my group of friends who I love but I don't actually like. That sounds awful and it is, but I've wondered that if we didn't have to spend so much time together, et cetera, would we actually be friends?
Maybe I just need some sleep to get a new perspective on things. I don't know. All I know is that I have no idea how I'm going to get some of these things done. Trust me: I'll be praying. I just don't understand how all of this will come about.
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