The Slight Rantings of a 5th Year Senior

School has started, and I already need a break. From homework, yes, but mostly from life and the fact that I don't have one when I come back here. I'm frustrated, really, really frustrated. The way the semester's going, I may end up having a mental breakdown or two, simply because of the workload I have now and the fact that half of my friends don't want to allow me to have my own life now.
I got one of the leads in the first show. I'm psyched and absolutely terrified at the same time. This is a great opportunity and the biggest part I've ever had. Ever. I'm worried that the director is regretting her decision to cast me. Granted, of the girls called back, I was the only one who looked the part, but still: I want to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do this and deserved to be cast. Rehearsals wear me out every night, and there have been times when I thought it would be easier to get hit by a passing vehicle and injure myself just enough that I would have to be replaced. But then I realize that's stupid and I really wanted this part. And I still do. I'm just really freaking out. I don't want to embarrass myself or my castmates.
Along with the play (and my 15 credit hours), it's also looking like I'll have to co-SM the next show. This is the part where I want to jump out of my 14th floor window. Seriously. I can't handle it, mentally or physically. As much fun as the play is, I was really looking forward to being able to finally relax just a bit--get caught up on my work, get more than 5 hours of sleep, that sort of thing. As of right now, there's no way that'll happen. I don't know what it is about this semester, but I'm stressed all the time. Thank God for my boyfriend and roommate to keep me even semi-sane. (I'm so so lucky to have them. Seriously.) Do I spend a little too much time with my significant other? Maybe. Yes, we're still in "the honeymoon" period, but there's more to it: I don't want to spend a lot of time in my place of residence because I don't want to deal with all the drama there. (My poor roommate is stuck dealing with it by herself, which I hate for her. I'm trying to figure out a way for this not to happen....to either of us.)
I'm trying to stand my ground for once and be a little selfish. I've sacrificed parts of my happiness and sanity for so long that a little voice in my head has told me I've earned getting to be a little selfish and do what I want with my time. I don't think this makes me a bad person or a bad friend. I love all of my group, but I'm also getting to the place where I can't handle a lot of them in large doses anymore. I just can't. I also realized this summer that there are several individuals in my group of friends who I love but I don't actually like. That sounds awful and it is, but I've wondered that if we didn't have to spend so much time together, et cetera, would we actually be friends?
Maybe I just need some sleep to get a new perspective on things. I don't know. All I know is that I have no idea how I'm going to get some of these things done. Trust me: I'll be praying. I just don't understand how all of this will come about.

Battle of the Interweb Exercises

I'm a fat kid. It's a plain and simple fact. I don't have a problem with it, other than the normal ones: guys don't like fat chick even if they themselves are chunky, finding fat clothes period is difficult anyway but finding them when you're 5'2" is almost impossible, having skinny friends who can eat anything sucks. I've been keeping a sort of food diary off and on on livestrong.com since last summer. It's a decent help since it's great to see the caloric intake of what I've eaten, but it's also a pain to see that by the end of the day, I've usually blown my goal or that I can't find what I've eaten or what exercise I've done.

So I just joined shape.com today, which I thought would be better suited to my needs since it's designed for women and actually provides personalized plans and exercises. Now here's the weird thing: these two different websites disagree on a few but important details, like my BMI (about 9 points higher according to Shape). The other strange thing is that I can't figure out how to log my hula hooping exercises. Now, I've been told by several people (some of whom whose views on fitness I respect, most I do not) that hula hooping isn't real exercise. However, this month's issue of Shape actually printed Marissa Tomei's normal workout that consists *gasp* of nothing but the hula hoop. It's actually a pretty decent workout from what I've done, and I don't think she even uses a weighted hoop. You'd think that since Shape printed this as a legitimate exercise routine, that I would be able to find it and log it. Nope. Unless there's a more scientific way to search "hula hooping," something's amiss.

I also started researching the best running shoes for women since, as my last blog stated, I plan on starting to run a few times a week. Holy crap are they expensive. I mean, I know that I can't afford to buy them right now anyway, but 1) I'm cheap and 2) it's very difficult for me to buy shoes that expensive when I have such oddly-sized feet and prefer to be barefoot since I know that won't make me hurt.

Maybe I just need classes to start again and start making money. I have way too much free time on my hands right now, and I hate it. Mostly I need money so I can keep myself busy/ exercising. I'm broke as a joke right now. Crap.

Goals for Fall Semester

I'm one of those weird people who like to have checklists. A lot of them. I have lists of things I allow myself to eat versus things I have to fight against my desire to nom (obviously, you can tell which list wins out 9 times out of 10), assignments and projects for the week, even restaurants I want to try (I can FINALLY, after 4 and a half years, check Fido off that list).
A couple of my girlfriends and I made a Summer 2010 bucket list, and, well, sadly we've pretty much failed at doing most of the things on the list. So, I've decided I won't let this coming fall have the same fate, especially since most of my usual goals have to do with foods/ restaurants to experience, movies to watch, or books to read. (No. I have no intention to ever read the Harry Potter series or Twilight saga. So give up on it already.)

Goals for Fall Semester 2010

• Do real renderings for my Aladdin project
• Lose 10+ pounds. (1/2 a pound per week. 2 pounds per month. About 4 months in fall semester. I can do it.)
• Find some cute jammies/ nightgowns/ lingerie. Because I want to feel like a girl.
• Get my eyebrows waxed. I've never had them waxed, simply because I hate things in my face and hot wax just makes me nervous.
  
• Figure out some way to eat at either Flemings or Ruth's Chris. (This is when obtaining a semi-wealthy boyfriend would come in handy.)
• Start and finish a sweater.
• Go running at least 3 times a week.
• Find some good sports bras and running shoes so above-mentioned goal can actually be met.
• Go to an audition where I have to sing.
  
• Find a great guy for my roommate. She deserves someone wonderful who will treat her like she deserves.
• Learn how to crochet again.
• Watch every episode of Man vs. Food.
• Read to at least the 3rd book in the Outlander series.
• Have a guy buy me a drink and/ or ask for my number.
• Stand up for myself.

I'm sure I'll add to this later.

P.S. Adam was just 3 ounces away from winning the "Great Steak Challenge" at Steak and Main in Baltimore. I WILL find a way to see him in person one day. Oh. I will.